Their first baby together should make you and your partner all the more close together. But for various reasons, one of the partners may be so busy with his new role that suddenly there is no interest in sex anymore.
This can happen to both partners and it's happening to the newly-minted BabyCenter dad Phil. His wife, the mother of his sweet baby, suddenly did not want physical closeness anymore.
Phil asked for advice in the BabyCenter community and got the following helpful tips:
Possible reasons why she does not want sex""I've experienced that and can speak from a female perspective: the new one Mom might just have lost sight of the fact that she's a woman, too, and is concentrating on being a mother. ""The good news is that both are possible at the same time."" My suggestion is to free yourself one evening a week, with only you two in common Couples should not forget that they will still live together - and hopefully together - when the children are out of the house at some point.
Planned times with a partner but without children help My husband and I, we have three children - we keep our feelings for each other through evenings only for us two, emails and phone calls. ""
"" I got our son nine months ago and stopped breastfeeding a month ago I assume to feel halfway ""normal"" again. I was caught up in my body with its new forms and felt uncomfortable - and sometimes still feel like this. If my husband wanted to turn to me physically, that got me in trouble. For a while, I really resented my husband for always telling him that everything would eventually return to normal - after all, I was worried and under pressure.
What really helps, I do not know - except patience and time. ""
"" I can be good in your wife and my husband can be good in you. Go away for a weekend together - but let your wife know that it's not about getting her to bed! If you can honestly tell her that you just want to spend time with her, and that you do not make any attempted approach, but wait for her to take the initiative (women often feel after birth as if they have no right or control over her own body), then maybe your wife knows for sure and loved enough to want to have sex with you again.
I tried to sleep with my partner about twelve weeks after giving birth and eventually overcame the inhibition threshold, but the next morning I felt awful.From the beginning of pregnancy until now (my son is now three months old) I wanted to hide at the thought of sex most like.
It took me nine months to accept that my body is now giving and receiving life. My husband wanted to have my body continue to give and receive pleasure. I could not do both at the same time. My husband's desire to turn me from a mother into a lover makes me uncomfortable. """" My husband has no problem sleeping with me, even when our child sleeps in the same room. But I can not stand the thought that the baby wakes up and needs me and my body - and then my body has just been ""used"" for sex. That does not feel good. Maybe your wife is the same. ""
"" I know being a dad is not always easy, but it's even harder to be a mom and a wife at the same time. ""
"" Having a baby is hard - women need so many Changes in one's body come clearly. Maybe your wife just does not feel sexy anymore. That's not so unusual. Can you remember what it was like when you met your wife for the first time? Do it the same way now: date yourself, do beautiful things, and enjoy each other's presence.
Believe me, if your wife realizes that she cares about you then she will seek your nearness. You have all the time in the world - you should let that go and the rest will come back. Trust me. ""
"" You're not alone. This has been the case with my wife for almost four years. Only once or twice did she really feel like it. Doctors say that has postnatal reasons. But I'm beginning to see that the situation is getting better. ""
"" I'm the mother of an eight-month-old baby and my lust for sex is pretty much close to zero. I hope that will change again soon, because I actually feel guilty about my lack of interest. I feel bad when my husband looks hurt because I keep saying 'no', but I just can not. What I want to say: It has nothing to do with you. That's something your wife has to go through.
I hope she does well. Just be patient - I know it's hard (no intimation)! ""
"" Are you helping your wife with housework, parenting and baby care? If not, may she feel devalued and exhausted? If your wife feels that she is 'just' a mother and wife, she will understandably distance herself - unconsciously or consciously. If this is not the problem then maybe it's your own body sensation. Is she still overweight from the pregnancy? Take your time and ask your wife! You both love each other - then you should be able to live and clarify this together.Good luck! ""
"" We have two babies with an age difference of 15 months. If I ran after them all day long and my partner comes home, peppers the shoes in the corner and sits down in front of the TV (which we both have always liked to do), then I have the feeling: My duties at home considered as a matter of course. And I still have millions of things to do! Honestly - you would be amazed how attractive a man can be who helps in the household! Especially when, after arriving home, he makes me a cup of tea first. ""
"" After our first baby, my healing took a long time. Maybe your wife was in pain and worried that things are not all right yet. Maybe you can tell her that for the time being you do not want sex at all but just flirt or cuddle with her. Then she can relax because she knows that you love her the way she is.
Personally, I have never felt so uncomfortable in my body as at the time - that is very unpleasant to me. A mom's job is hard work and, even if we love our kids so much, she can be very lonely and ungrateful. For example, there are often huge mountains of laundry to conquer! I wish you could find a solution with your wife. ""
Conversations and empathy can help.
"" Have you ever tried talking to your wife about it? Maybe she feels unwell in her own skin and would like to talk to you in peace. Find a suitable moment to address the topic informally. Maybe it's about more - z. For example, about her self-perception? ""
Karen"" After my partner and I spoke calmly, I realized: We both felt misunderstood! I could not understand why sex was so important - after all, I was tired, inundated with hormones and the baby next door in the cot. And he felt a bit neglected, as if the baby was more important to me than him. After we spoke out, we both felt much better. Although not everything changed overnight, but we understood better what moved the other. Do not stop talking to each other! And let your wife know in many ways that she cares about you. ""
"" I can imagine how you feel - rejected and unloved, hold on and, above all, talk to your wife about the situation, maybe she'll burst into tears, but when she gets so stressed out even if this is going to be good, and above all: planning a 'love weekend' together! ""
"" Did you talk to her about this? Maybe she's frustrated and she's doing a lot? My suggestion: Find common solutions and set times that only belong to both of you. ""
"" My most important advice is: If you have not already done so, talk to your wife in peace!She will also have noticed that you do not sleep with each other that often. There is every possible explanation for her reluctance - until you have talked to your wife, you can only guess what it is all about and therefore not know what you can do to help her. Thus, the libido of many women decreases significantly after birth (hormonal changes), also often are fresh mothers very exhausted! Your wife may resent you for wanting to claim even more energies already consumed. Or she does not feel as attractive after pregnancy as she does before the baby.
Whatever the reason, do not put more pressure on your wife - the more you demand, the more she will distance herself. Show her that you love her, look attractive, beautiful and sexy. But at the same time tell her that you understand her and that hugs and kisses do not necessarily mean sex - unless she wants it.
If your wife feels that she can be physically close to you without it leading to sex right away, then without pressure and luck you can get more out of it. But the most important thing is: Talk to each other and be patient. ""
Possible Ways to Get Sex Life Back on Track
"" My advice is to travel together over the weekend and spend time as a loving couple! If your child is old enough, maybe it can stay one or two nights with the grandparents. And a romantic weekend for two reminds you both how much fun you had in common when you were not yet a parent. My partner and I left before Christmas - and we enjoyed it. ""
"" A weekend without a child helps only if it is absolutely or o. is to leave her daughter behind - if not, your partner will only be stressed and hostile to you. ""
Anon"" Take care of your wife daily: Tell her how good she looks and what you do you especially like. Personally, I still do not feel well in my body for two and a half (!) Years after giving birth. ""
Help your wife with the household as much as you can: If your wife whirls around the house all day and until just before bedtime Things done, then she is certainly not in the mood for such physical activities as sex! ""
"" Many little attentions give your wife the feeling of being loved and attractive - without obviously being seduced by you She longs for a little more appreciation and esteem from you for all that she does as a newlywed mother and wife, and it's amazing how little confidence and self-confidence we women often have in this transitional phase! ""
""If you can not go out together, plan at least one evening a week at home: ordering a good meal, picking a movie and perhaps beheading e a bottle of wine!""
"" For example, give your wife a meal and tell her how much you love her. Let her know that you miss the closeness to her - small kisses and hugs. Tell her that you understand and respect that things have changed and that you see how hard she works. Ask her if you could spend time together: watching a movie or eating out. Cuddle with your wife, but do not immediately assume that she wants sex. Take things slowly. Leave her in control, compliment her, massage her back or feet … ""
"" My husband and I struggled to find time for sex and in the evening we were just too tired. But what worked out well: If my son had his afternoon nap, we went to bed on Sundays! ""
"" Think about how and when you can approach the woman. Give her a free evening! Take over the baby care! Feed and put your child to bed while your wife takes a long and wonderfully relaxing bath while drinking a glass of wine. The direct transition from a long day as a mother to a lusty wife is difficult - a sort of ""buffer zone"" makes things easier. ""
"" Not an easy situation, because your wife is probably always feeling down (homemade, not imposed by you) pressure to feel pleasure. But that is stressful and a real pleasure killer! Revive your interest in sex by making it clear that you are primarily interested in the
lust of your wife
and not just your own. Give her a vibrator, for example. Of course, I do not know how your wife finds that, but for me it was good: it reminded my body of how beautiful an orgasm is and what my partner and I are missing out on. You can order a vibrator completely stress-free on the Internet and save yourself embarrassing moments in a shop. ""
"" I do not think that a love weekend is necessarily the best plan. In order for your wife's sex life to recover in general, you should above all cultivate mutual trust and closeness. Maybe your wife has to regain self-confidence as a lover - instead of ""only"" as a mother. If that succeeds, the other will come too. This will need time. And even if she does not say it, she appreciates your patience! "" Lisa "" When women no longer want sex, it's often because they feel uncomfortable or not sexy. Maybe a new outfit or sexy lingerie will help to make your wife feel like a woman again - and not just like a wife and mother. Remember, it can be endless to talk to your partner about the issues, but forcing them to sex will probably scare them off. ""
"" We're all going through this, we women. Our hormones are completely out of balance in the first year after birth. Try not to take your wife off with your desire to besiege for sex.Help her with the housework so that she can go to bed relaxed. A weekend somewhere else is not the worst idea. Even 24 hours from Saturday to Sunday can help it crackle between you again. Be patient - it will get better. But do not put the topic on the siding. It's an important part of your relationship. ""
"" I think your wife just needs to remember both of you as a couple - not just mom and dad. Remind your wife how much you love her, how attractive you are to her. It does not hurt to hear this over and over again (even though she probably knows deep down that she is loved). And most importantly, live and share this time with her, and I'm sure it will not last long. ""
More tips? Continue reading:
Eight sex tips, all
Sex after birth
Sex and new father
May we have sex when our baby is sleeping in the same room?